Your Hidden Superpower
We often rely on self-criticism as a motivator for change. You may find yourself saying something like: “That presentation was terrible! I made such a fool of myself and my colleagues will never see me as a leader. I need to sign up for a public speaking course so I don’t lose my job.” Or, “This piece of writing is taking me so long. I’m just not a good writer. I really need to work harder to prove I can do it.”
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
As Dr. Kristin Neff, psychologist and author of Fierce Self-Compassion, explains, being hard on ourselves is rooted in our evolutionary instinct to fight, flight, or freeze. When we make mistakes, we have a physiological reaction, as if it’s our own self who is the perceived danger, resulting in an internal fight. Similarly, we may flee in shame to escape the “perceived judgment of the group.” Or, we may sometimes freeze in shame because, as she states, “if I freeze, maybe they will flee.”
Self-criticism separates us from others.
When we are stinging from the pain of perceived failure, we often isolate ourselves, making it harder to connect with others. And when the criticism is, in particular, aimed at our very nature or particular aspects of ourselves (I’m a lousy speaker! I’m a terrible writer!) it cuts us off even more from others. Sometimes this happens internally, via dissociation, or interpersonally, via isolation or becoming distant.
We often find it easier to be kinder to those we care about than to ourselves.
Somehow, though, we often more often easily have compassion for others.
If a trusted friend and colleague botched a presentation, would you say, “Wow — that went terribly! You made a fool of yourself and we will never see you as a leader. You’d better sign up for a public speaking course so you don’t get fired.” Or, “Wow. You are a really slow writer. Don’t even bother.”
Likely, you wouldn’t. You might say something like, “You’re just having an off day. You’re so sharp, and we all know it. Don’t worry.” Or, “Writing is hard for most people. It usually takes twice as long as we expect. You might need to break your writing time into two separate sittings.”
However, self-compassion is often the key to positive change.
How could this be true? If we’re not beating ourselves up, then how do we get motivated for change?
Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”
Self-compassion is the alleviation of pain within the self, and the acceptance of the internal struggle. When we practice self-compassion, we create an opening for change. As Neff states, self-compassion “gives us the warmth of being imperfect, and the feeling of care to do better next time.”
Self-compassion is also not dependent on success or failure; it is always available. And research shows that people who have self-compassion have been proven to do better over time, because they are not afraid of failure; they recognize that it is part of the human condition.
The more we give ourselves warmth, the more we can give others warmth. Our “inner-compassion” can more easily turn into “outer-compassion.” This serves us in our intimate relationships as well as relationships with colleagues and friends.
So how does this work? How do I do this?
The next time you are struggling I invite you to:
Imagine what you would say to a good friend in the exact same situation, and then say that to yourself.
Imagine what someone you trust might say to you in this situation, and say that to yourself.
Be aware that this is really hard right now. (This validates the pain.)
Practice self-compassion: Remember that we’re not alone. It’s not just you that has struggled this way.
Touch: Put your hands on your heart or give yourself a hug. This is rooted in physiology too; in our early lives, we rely on touch over words for learning.
Yes, all of this might feel strange. We are well-versed in how to beat ourselves up. But over time, this can get easier.
If this seems silly or perhaps overly simplistic, I encourage you to simply try it at least once this week. When your inner critic comes to visit, greet them, accept that they are there, and practice self-compassion.
Our desire to alleviate suffering is great, and we already have the tools we need. As Neff states, “It’s like we’ve got this super power in our back pocket and we don’t even know it.”
This article is based on the wonderful episode of The Happiness Lab’s “Dump Your Inner Drill Sergeant” with Kristin Neff. I highly recommend it.